Weight Lost Plan

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads,

"If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,

"If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go all out and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,

"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"

He lost 63 pounds that week !!!

Husband for Sale!

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Mumbai, where a woman may go to choose a husband.Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.There is, however, a catch. .... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find ahusband...

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

*********

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, andlove kids.

*********

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, lovekids, and are extremely good looking. " Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keepgoing.

*********

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, lovekids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework."Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly standit!"

*********

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

*********

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the signreads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,013 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

*********

There are a lot of IDIOTS on this planet!!

Gee, I guess i'll get lotta of bombard from this posting, but I just love the challenges.

For those idiots that kept on browsing Siahsueh's website, I really don't understand you guys. It's all about advertisement but u guys kept pouring traffics to her website. Get a life man, buy newspaper, there are more meaningful advertisement there!!!

Malaysia Boleh!!!

One of the wonderful things about living in Malaysia is that we devote so much of our resources into building brain power. We love smart people in Malaysia. Parents spend an obscene amount on tuition classes.

Let’s look at some of the major initiatives by our wonderful government to increase our brain power:
1) Malaysia will produce more than 100,000 PhDs by 2012
2) Creating “knowledge” workers and “world-class” IT industry via the MSC
3) Almost all grants by MOSTI is geared towards science and technology
4) Building new universities left and right. In the 1980s we had fewer than a dozen universities — now we have more than 20 public universities and an equal number of private universities
5) “Apex” and “research” universities allocated extra millions of ringgit with the aim of getting into the top 200 university rankings
6) All sorts of academic prizes from all sorts of dubious exhibitions
7) Smart schools
8) All sorts of scholarships — JPA alone gives more than 2,000 overseas scholarships. If you include Mara and GLCs and private companies, the number is probably somewhere about 6,000-7,000 overseas scholarships plus thousands of local scholarships
9) “Brain gain” programme where we try to entice successful Malaysian scientists to come back to help our R&D
10) All sorts of government-backed programmes like the invention awards, best ICT Company, PM’s innovation awards, smart partnership, etc.

Yet, somehow we seem to be going the opposite direction. Mind you it’s been there for more than a decade already and, correct me if I am wrong; the MSC has been a dismal failure since the “knowledge” industry has not taken off and no major Malaysian IT inventions since the inception of the MSC. Cyberjaya is still years behind Singapore.

In fact, the most famous “Malaysian” IT invention — the pen drive — was invented in Taiwan by a Malaysian Chinese who could not even enter a public university here. He had to go to Taiwan, get a degree there (which is not recognised here!) and invented the pen drive there. So today, the world thinks it’s a Taiwan invention! Malaysia Boleh!

The brain gain programme is so successful that almost all the scientists who came back to work here have resigned from the public universities or government research centres, and the bulk of them have left for overseas again. Needless to say, their major complaints were racism (almost all were non-Bumiputeras) and red tape. But no one wants to admit to this since it’s not a very smart thing to admit failure.

Meanwhile we are rushing to produce 100,000 PhDs. Since most of these 100,000 PhDs will be awarded by local public universities you really have to wonder about the quality. But who cares? The important thing is to graduate 100,000 “doctors” of dubious quality so that they can train the next generation. After all, the majority of these PhDs will end up as professors in our public universities and they will supervise the next generation of PhDs. Remember the movie “Dumber and Dumber”?
Is it any wonder that our public universities’ ranking is dropping fast?

On top of that, we have decided to stop emphasising English at the high school level. No wonder international schools are celebrating — their student enrolment will go through the roof from next year onwards.

And to ensure that we have the right environment to produce “Towering Malays” and “world-class” Malaysians, the mainstream newspapers here follow the same editorial style as China’s People’s Daily and the old Soviet Union’s Pravda. Truth is not as important as propaganda and the promotion of racism and racist ideology. Malay newspapers are free to preach racism as long as they reinforce “Malay unity” and Malay dominance. News is only news if the government says so.

In the arts, local productions cannot reflect reality. How else can you explain government directives that Mat Rempits and transvestites cannot be shown on Malaysian movies and television. The way it works is like this: if we don’t show Mat Rempits and transvestites, then they do not exist! See how smart we have become because of all the government investment in educating Malaysians? Very soon, there will be no prostitutes or gay people in Malaysia.
Just to be sure, the government has just announced another round of books that are banned in Malaysia. In total more than 2,000 titles are banned in Malaysia. Some authors do not even know that their books are banned. Reading is a dangerous habit for a knowledge nation.
Meanwhile religion, or the official view of religion, is shafted down the throats of young people through television programmes and in the schools.

You really have to wonder how on earth Malaysia produces thinking citizens since all around them the system, from the mass media to the education system to the universities, is designed to damage the brain? The whole system is designed to produce a non-thinking, non-critical person who can easily be manipulated by propaganda.

It is really mind-boggling that somehow young people have managed to escape this system. Of course there are thousands who believe in the system and are basically brain dead, especially after reading the Malay newspapers and watching the local television stations. But there is a significant portion of young people out there who have managed to overcome the attempt to control their mind. I take my hat off to these young people. Without them, Malaysia will have no future.

The God must Be Crazy!!

This is a real Graduation pictures taken over in China.. Imagine your son...

10 reasons why F1 race can be held at the new Johor Bahru CIQ

1. The long and winding road from Causeway to the Johor Bahru CIQ will whip up sufficient challenge that can even rival Monaco.

2. The Causeway can act as the Grid to form up (Cars to face Malaysia of course).

3. The Custom booths can act as the pitstops (But first, the HUMPs need to be removed).

4. Mat Rempits have already tested the course at full speed (howbeit on 2 wheels only).

5. Plenty of scenery.. you have the sun, sea and the Selamat Datang signboard.

6. Petronas can sponsor the petrol (optional, else Ferrari will threaten to withdraw from the race).

7. Milo can be the official drink sponsor (optional, else Red Bull will threaten to withdraw from the race).

8. Second Link can be used while the race is ongoing.

9. The traffic police can perform the role as the safety car driver (as they are used to escorting VIPs at fast speed).

10. Meshed fences has already been installed along the roads. No need seats. Spectators can just stand outside the fences and enjoy teh tarik while watching the race. And this will bring back the business to Jalan Wong Ah Fook!

Malaysia Civil Servant Working Timetable

8:30 am start work. All one has to do is either punch card or get someone to punch card. Cleaner will be the first one to punch card.

8:30 - 9:00 is discussion time (politics time) customer can wait while the civil servant has his sip of coffee/tea.

9:00 - 10:30 some work done but with a sullen face and discussing politics with customer.

10:30 - 10:45 Tea time (Cuepacs negotiated time) servants need not be at their workplace. Time unofficially extended till 11:00 o'clock.

11:00 to 12:30 some work done.

12:30 - 2:15 lunch hour. Extended lunch hour. ( gone for his luch - do not curse we work for our daily bread)

2:15 to 3:30 rest time after lunch. No work done

3:30 to 5:30 thousand and one reasons to go back home. Child sick, wife sick, buy motosikal/ kereta, attend income

Days work over. Chief Secretary to the government happy with the performance of the civil servant.

Hongkies, Singaporeans, Indonesians and Malaysians

Being Hongkies is good because...
1. We are Hongkies and not Chinese.
2. We can talk and shout and nobody gives a damn.
3. Jackie Chan is our icon.
4. We can live in a 5' x 5' cubicle and call it luxury apartment. We even need to pay $10,000 a month for this cubicle.
5. Our children can speak Cantonese at a young age.
6. We get to blame everything on Feng Shui or Tung Chee Hwa or the mainland communists.
7. Gambling is more interesting than sex. Macau is the place to for thrills!
8. We produce a lot of Miss Hong Kong to the enjoyment of the rich and famous.

We love being Singaporean because...
1. We
are not Malaysians.
2. Everyone (especially the Malaysian) hates us, except ourselves.
3. Famous for Orchard Road and we love Geylang. Geylang is the place to go for thrills!
4. We have our own island.
5. We will never ever have yucky chewing gum stuck under our shoes.
6. We know how to enjoy our vacation in Malaysia - keep a few RM50 notes before you enter the highway: You can throw anything, anytime, anywhere and always wash our cars at the resort.
7. We can speed up to 180 kilometers per hour and not ending up with a summon as long as we have RM50 with us to spare.
8. The men are always concerned, first question to ask a girl 'Do you have CPF?'
9. Never fear of getting lost in our country - S$20 taxi ride will get you into the sea. Hahaha!
10. We'll never have to worry about finding Mr or Ms right because the government will find one for us.
11. 1 Singapore dollar = 2.5 Ringgit... nyek nyek nyek.
12. It's OK to be Kiasu. It's part of
our culture.

Top reasons for being Indonesian are as follow...
1. We are not Australian.
2. We live in the biggest country in South East Asia .
3. No pirates in Indonesia water if you exclude the Navy and Coast guards.
4. Everything is cheap, even our salaries...
5. We can blame everything to Suharto or BJ Habibie or Gus Dur or Megawati or who's next?
6. Only in Indonesia you can get involved in real demonstrations daily for different causes and see no results.
7. Our Rupiah is like a Yo Yo, it can go up and down just because IMF say so...
8. We burn everything and nobody gives a damn. We cause haze all over the South East Asia and nobody can do a thing... nyek nyek nyek.
9. We don't need fire fighters as our neighbours will provide...

Being a Malaysian is the best because...
1. World tallest twin
towers, Best F1 circuit, largest roti canai, most expensive toll rates, .because Malaysia Boleh!
2. We can be driving, picking our nose, cursing another driver, talking on the handphone, adjusting the radio and bribing the traffic police at the same time.
3. We divorce by sending SMS.
4. Traffic summon can be settled on the spot with the traffic police.
5. We have Teh Tarik & Roti Canai on the Russian space ship.
6. We can save a lot of electricity b'coz our TV shows are so crappy.
7. We can blame everything on the haze or George Soros or government or opposition parties or...
8. Resourceful City Council, one person to drive the van, one to carry the ladder, one to change a street's bulb and three others watching...
9. We make 2 lane trunk roads into 3 lane highway and back to 2 lane when polices are sighted
10. There's always something for the JKR to do. They dig, resurface the road, dig and resurface...
11. All main roads are
designated highway because it gives Velooo a reason to collect toll.
12. Our government can never be wrong.
13. Our badminton players win already only need to pay them RM35,000 very cheap compare to David Beckham.
14. You can divorce for as little as RM 10 million ringgit and marry a young singer you like, how nice is life.
15. We can even used C4 bomb to bombard Gengkis Khan or Kublai Khan grandchildren
16. We have more water than Singapore .... nyek nyek nyek.
17. If you got no monies you can also snatch others people monies
18. If you are a policeman rider you can kick and bang people car like nobody business
19. If you drive a police car, you can speed cause speed limit only apply to citizen
20. all motor rider can join Mat Rempit club for
free and can throw stones at the police station anytime they like.
21. if you got nothing to do join the rela and go to the kongsi gelap and extort monies from them.
22. You can rape people and blame them for wearing very little, what a joke man.

After reading the above, I believe you will agree with me that being Malaysian is still the best. You have to be glad that you are a Malaysian and enjoy staying in Malaysia ! You can do what you like as long as you got the * . ` x * & $.

News Summary

Jelapang assemblyman Hee Yit Foong's versions

Version #1 - " What pepper spray? There was no pepper spray. They are all lies. I will make a police report"

Version #2 - " Oh you mean that thingy in my hand? That was no pepper spray. That was my key chain. Can't a lady carry a key chain to work? How can a key chain be a pepper spray? They are all lies. I will make a police report."

Version #3 - " Yes I see what you mean. From the photo it does look more like a pepper spray than a key chain. Well someone threw it at me. At first i thought the man who I gave my hotel key to threw it back at me. So I pick it up. They are all lies. I will make a police report."

Version #4 - "Actually i found this on the floor. And being an elected rep, I must be honest and return it to the rightful owner. So i asked him if he has lost a pepper spray. He told me he wasn't sure so I turn the muzzle of the spray towards him so he can see better. Then he replied it wasn't his and he turned away disaapointed (see video). Then I kept the pepper spray and will reprt to police so that police can idientify and return to the rightful owner. They are all lies. I will make a police report."

Version #5 - pending Hee's next comments.

MALAYSIA BOLEH!!!!

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With
Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't DisguiseYour Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks .

Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Cheques, Write ' For Marijuana'

6. Skip down the hall rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face..

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,
'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Disneyland

Disneyland Marketing Director (MD): Boss, we have a proposal from from a SEA's country. They want to set up Disneyland there.

Disneyland President (P): Where’s that? What is it famous for?
MD: It became famous in 1998 when its Prime Minister jailed his Deputy on charges of sodomy.
P: Oh? That’s interesting.
MD: They also have the ‘people’s car’.
P: You mean they build the Volkswagen in that country as well?
MD: Sort of, except it’s not called the Volkswagen. They call it the Proton.
P: What’s a Proton?
MD: Protons are spin-1/2 fermions and are composed of three quarks, making them baryons. The two up quarks and one down quark of the proton are held together by the strong force, mediated by gluons. Protons and neutrons are both nucleons, which may be bound by the nuclear force into atomic nuclei. The nucleus of the most common isotope of the hydrogen atom is a single proton……..
P: Hey, will you stop! I don’t want a lecture in physics. Why is the car called the Proton?
MD: Not sure, but it’s actually a Mitsubishi…..a very old and obsolete model that the Japanese sold to them for a lot of money. The Japanese actually ripped them off…..sort of like how we ripped the Japanese off by selling them all our old Mickey Mouses that we didn’t want anymore.
P: I see. So the Proton is actually a Mickey Mouse car then.
MD: I suppose you could put it that way. Malaysia also has the tallest building in the world.
P: I thought China has the tallest building in the world.
MD: Well, yeah, but they cheated.
P: How can you cheat? Either your building is the tallest in the world or it is not.
MD: They added a tall poll or antennae or something like that above the building and included that as part of the building when they measured it.
P: Devious people. We gotta watch them closely. They sound very slimy. Do you think Disneyland will be popular there?
MD: I don’t see why not. They are already living in a fantasy world, so Disneyland should go down well with them.
P: You mean they have other theme parks there?
MD: No. Not that. It’s like this. They do not live in the real world. They live in a make-belief world. So I feel they would love Disneyland.
P: I don’t get you.
MD: Okay. Let me try to explain. They has this thing they call the New Economic Policy that allows about certain people to become super-rich. Then they calculate the combined wealth of these 1,000 and add it to whatever the rest of the 16 million own, which is almost nothing, and announce that the 16 million own 30% of the wealth of the nation.
P: God! They actually do that? How can they get away with something like that?
MD: Not sure, but it’s certainly very interesting. Do you know that the 16 million actually riot on the streets, brandishing little curved knives shorter than our dicks, and threaten to slaughter the Chinese just to protect the wealth of the 1,000 super-rich?
P: You can’t be serious! And what do the Chinese do? Do they take out their even longer Kungfu swords and fight back? Sounds like a Beirut down there.
MD: No. Actually it’s very peaceful in there. The Chinese just keep voting for government just so that these people keep their little curved knives in their pants.
P: You mean their dicks?
MD: No, their little curved knives. That’s where they keep them, in their pants.
P: Shit. These people sound more like Mickey Mouse than even Mickey Mouse himself.
MD: But there would be one problem though. It is a strict Muslim country and they arrest men and women who are not married who hold hands.
P: What’s that got to do with us?
MD: Well, we would have to make sure Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse do not walk around holding hands like they usually do. The government would arrest them and throw them in jail.
P: That’s it. I don’t think we should go to there. We have enough sex scandals in Disneyland Hong Kong as it is. Sheesh! What next? Superman has to wear his underwear on the inside and no longer on the outside? What a crap country. They make Disneyland look real.

What a Crap

Nowaday, it’s getting tiresome if you have been following Malaysia’s politics. Failed in 16 Sep takeover, talk cock, handover of power, buying of helicopters, sms controversial, tabung azan and the newest, newspaper instigating killing.
Can you believe it? A newspaper in Malaysia’s actually publish an article bout a Chinese politician being murdered and it mirrors to the Theresa Kok’s case. I am sure, some idiots might just read the article, thinking of ‘Mempertahankan agama dan bangsa, go and try it out.
Come on, nobody is doing anything about this F##King Newspaper? Anyway, nothing will happened to it as it is one of the ‘Mainstream’. Talk bout racism. The Guy who came out to shout racism, merely being suspended by his Party. The reporter who reported the fact of this guy, being threw into jail (with the excuse of protecting her), a blogger got jailed for nothing, a politician get jailed because of a lie by another politician and a newspaper, and when the politician tried to sue the newspaper, the newspaper instigate murder.
Well Done Malaysia, Keep it on…..

New HR Policy!!!

EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008
NEW OFFICE POLICY
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to
your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a
Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need
to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every
effort should be made to have non-employees attend the
funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your
second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'
category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's
all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, c onsternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
Pass this on to all who are still employed!

A man's worst Nightmare

After a long night of making love, Danny rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.Unable to find it, he asked Sheila if she had one at hand."There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously."No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him."Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear."Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, Sheila replied, "That's me before the operation."