Dragonball Evolution (Movie Review)

I feel like shit today, so I'm home sick. Part of that may have been the food poisoning, but the other part may be due to having seen Dragonball Evolution last night and it's made me physically ill. Though I'm not sure why. The thing was hilarious.

I'm going to try to come up with 10 things the movie got right. Because it's going to be a shorter list.

1. They got the names right.
2. They got the dragonballs mostly right. 7 of them. And they look like they could be.
3. ... I'll get back to this.

So the movie is about dear little Goku, the 18 year old white kid in a school full of normally named other white kids and an Asian girl named Chi-Chi. Oh, and the token bullies who are there for no real reason other than to give him the slightest tiny bit of character development maybe in the first bit of the movie.

But first, we find out it's his 18th birthday and he's getting a dragonball. You know, just like what all teenagers want for their birthday. He lives in a little house with his grandfather who teaches him to fight but tells him not to fight and that a green alien and his pet monkey are coming back to kill them all at the eclipse.

3. Goku does turn into the monkey.

I'm also going to point out two things while I remember. Firstly, Goku doesn't have a tail. And second, there's a full moon during the majority of the movie. Those of you familiar with the series, try not to think about it too hard. Moving on.

Now, instead of going to spend his birthday with his grandpa who is finally going to explain everything about his past, he's decided to go see Chi-Chi at her party. Because he's a teenage boy and the libido comes first.

4. Chi-Chi and Goku are romantically involved.

Oh, and the purpose of the bullies comes into play. Earlier he walked away from their teasing. This time, he's taking the non-violent fight approach. Meaning, they keep missing hitting him and getting each other. It's actually a pretty fun sequence, and the bullies are never seen again. Off he goes with Chi-Chi.

They talk, they both know what Ki is, but nothing lasts long. He looks up at the full moon, which... pulses, I guess. And he knows something bad's happening at home. Namely, Piccilo, looking ridiculous, and his ninja assassin lady are there and they destroy the house looking for the dragonball that Goku took with him to the party for no reason.

Goku's home in time to have his grandfather die in his arms. He goes back into the house, finds his eventual costume change and Bulma snooping through the house with a gun trying to find the dragonball that was stolen from her. Misunderstandings, another fun fight, and then they partner up and head over to Master Roshi's, just like his grandpa wanted him to.

Roshi is in a little rundown apartment looking house on an island with a bridge to it in the city. They sneak in, he fights them, the misunderstanding is worked out and they get his dragonball and head out, Goku on foot while we see capsule corp tech actually taking form. Roshi's going to take them to get Goku properly trained and to get the rest of the dragonballs.

Speaking of Rshi's dragonball. Remember in Lord of the Rings with Pippin found the plantir and Ganfald threw the thing over it so that he couldn't look into it? That happens with the dragonball here because they're giving Goku visions. Seriously.

5. Capsule tech. It's tiny and forms into big technology.

So they make it through the desert and to the rock where it's not as secret as Roshi thought. There's a lot of fighters there, all training for a tournament. Oh, and who's that? It's Chi-Chi! Time for a moment!

But no, Bulma's dragonball detector goes off and they're off again. And then they fall in a hole dug by Yamcha, who now has bleached hair for some reason.

6. Yamcha. He's a bandit.

So they fall in the hole, exposit everything for a little while, then realize the dragonball is in an underground pit a little ways over from their own, so Roshi gets Yamcha on their side and they make a hole in the wall. Then they end up walking through the tunnels where they encounter Piccolo's goons.

Which he made in a ridiculous fashion that you really have to see. I laughed so hard.

So they fight and Goku uses them to make a bridge. And then he gets to the next dragonball, has a nice trance session and Piccolo's assassin chick comes and takes it out of his hands. Fight sequence, they get it back and realize this isn't working, so they end up going to the fighter tournament where Chi-Chi is!

Oh, and she wins against Piccilo's goon lady, who was there to steal her blood. But then she's there hanging out with Goku while there's a council of old people trying to figure out what to do about making a new container for Piccolo.

Roshi decides it's time to teach Goku the Kamehameha now. So there's a brief lesson, then he leaves Goku with instructions to learn it by morning. He has to use it to light candles. And it looks like he's throwing little clouds.

He's failing, but that's okay! Chi-Chi shows up and encourages him a little! Then he gets it and all is well in his life.

Meanwhile Yamcha and Bulma are lovey dovey elsewhere.

7. Bulma and Yamcha end up as a couple.

And then Chi-Chi steals the dragonballs. But it's not really her, it's a clone! Which leads, of course, to the fake and the real Chi-Chi fighting and Goku picking to knock out the wrong one. The fake one turns out to be the Piccolo goon chick and she kills him almost to death. And Roshi has no senzu beans, so he magics him back to life with a kamehameha. Okay then.

So now they have to go after Piccolo directly. Yamcha drives them in the car that can apparently fly and Piccolo crashes it once they get to the magical mountain cliff thing. Which is where Goku crashed on the planet thousands of years ago, back when it was a plain. Instead of escaping the car and whatnot immediately, though, he has to change into the orange costume. Then he comes out and faces Piccolo saying that he will defeat the monkey, Ozaru. Because apparently Goku is supposed to defeat Ozaru instead of Piccolo.

And now the eclipse is here!

Didn't I mention that? Apparently the eclipse is how Goku now changes into Ozaru, the giant monkey. Except he's not a giant monkey. He's a bear sized monkey with an ongoing inner conflict that kills Roshi. But Roshi says that he can stop it!

And BAM! He's not Ozaru anymore! Well, that's convenient. He faces off against Piccolo at last and uses that Kamehameha that we've all been waiting for to cut through Piccolo's attack and defeats him.

Oh, and Bulma and Yamcha fight and defeat the chick.

But Roshi is dead and we can't have that. So they use the dragonballs to revive him and all is well in the world again. They're going to set off to find the dragonballs again and it's the start of an adventure for them all!

Except that Piccolo isn't dead. But who cares? There's no way they're doing a sequel after this shit.

8. Piccolo is green. Ish.

The movie got all of the characters wrong, the locations wrong and just about every other aspect of the universe wrong. I get that it's a reinterpretation and all, but they didn't actually keep anything accurate to the original. It's like they read a summary, wrote down the names and then made it up.

Fanfic. It was like really bad fanfic. What if Goku was in high school? And so was Chi-Chi! It's perfect! And no Turtle Island. And... well, it's bad.

And the cast they cut. Krillin, namely, was a bit of a gaping hole for me. I liked the old punching bag for his part in the story as... a punching bag. The anthromorphic characters are gone, which is understandable, but I really wished they'd had some character traits left lingering elsewhere. Or at least they'd made the wish on the dragonballs a wish for Bulma's panties.

I'm sure other people far more credible than me will talk about how wooden Justin Chatwin's acting was too. Damn annoying. And flat and emotionless and... you get it.

But yes, only two more things left. Let's finish it on a high note. What else did they do right?

9. The fight sequences are actually pretty fun.
10. ...
...
...
...
Piccolo didn't die. That's really the best I'm going to come up with.